Wednesday, May 02, 2007

CRAP ALERT

So I was watching Gemini Music along with the boys today as the Set Top Box (that weird contraption that is a must in Chennai if you want access to cable TV) was malfunctioning. Now why Gemini Music ask you... Nostalgia, say I. Yup, I do sorely miss Hyderabad. Anyhow, I digress. Ahem! Where was I??? Yes, Gemini music. So, there was this show in which callers call in and request the song while senders send in SMS’s which are proudly displayed on the screen throughout the whole duration of the show. Yeah, yeah, I know that you all have seen such shows but there might be a few of you out there for whom such hilarious channels stand banned by principle of avoiding all things nonsensical. So yeah, this post is for you all. At least now you’ll know how much in life you are missing if u don’t tune into channels like Gemini music, Sun music, Maa TV and the likes.

Anyway, we were watching some of the hilarious songs (Pavan Kalyan [Mega star Chiranjeevi’s brother for the uninitiated] wearing two pants and 2 shirts…a few buttons provocatively left open ….running around the trees with Meera Jasmine) when all of a sudden we spot the SMS’s appearing on the screen. Hilarious would be an understatement. I proudly present to you some of the gems highlighted in Bold. And yeah, all this is verbatim. None of them are figments of my imagination. I swear on The Almighty FSM. The comments in the brackets however are all courtesy yours truly. Pardon me if they make you cringe. They were meant to.


I 143 U Ra (Hmmm… Robert Langdon please help me….what’s 143 code for now????)

I love my wife Priyanka (Milky). Why you not love me? Why you cheet me? (No, Cheet was not a typo on my part. As I said, all this is what came on the idiot box)

M: Ragul I love you (now that’s what SRK would be called if his movies were dubbed in Tamil. Oh Ragul!!!!)
We love Ambika (Ah….the sharing kind I see.. nice nice)

Venke: Hai Hasham. Call me back. Venke. (Now is it just me or do both venke and hasham sound like boy names??)

Ravi (co): I L U Shanti (Even corporates into this rigmarole??)

Swathi: I love Swathi (Now you know what the heights of ego-mania is )

Cobra: I miss you. I love you Sony (o0o0o0o….. I didn’t know venomous snakes fell in love with television channels)

Samba: Hi Kallu, have a nice day. (I am waiting now for Jai and Veeru to show up.. Sigh!!!)

Nani: I love you so much Prasu 143 (143) (143) please call me (hey, I tried that number like 143 times but no grandma picks it up)

Satish: Hai ra Keeru. Many happy returns of the day to my bangaru (that rhymes!!!)

Bacchi: Hai Archana. Please call me 107 (I tried that number also. But was connected to the municipal sewerage and drain management board..pbbbt…)

Hasini Parvatipuram: Hai Srimatigaru. I got reservations. I am starting on Friday Bangalore. Venkat (Hi Venkat. I hope Srimatigaru comes in a local tonga to come pick you up from the station. You didn’t mention the train timings though)

Priyanka: I love you Mala (Hmm….Lesbian love looms large)

Sneha: I luv my parents (You go girl, you would have made Karan Johar proud)


P.S. Bhai decides to have some fun and sends in an SMS which goes something like “Shanky: Sanka Nakadu”. (Sanka Nakadu = Lick your armpit). :D

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Patiiiiiiiiii..............


A grandmother is someone who has silver in her hair and gold in her heart.

So first off let me start with what triggered the idea of this post. I had, as usual, gone to the park for my evening walk. And there was this pati(for the non-tamilians , pati = grandma) who is also a regular and whom i smile at everyday. So she was sitting on a bench and i went up and said hello. And when I passed her again, she calls me and tells me that I am looking very pretty :). And mind you, I was out for a walk, so i was dressed in an old pair of pedal pushers, a t-shirt, hair tied up, and sweating like a horse from all the humidity that Chennai so lovingly bestows on us. And there she is, complimenting me. I turned beet red and for the rest of the evening, was walking with a wide smile on my face. And then was when i thought how precious grandmothers are. And what better way to acknowledge them than to dedicate a post to them...

Well, let me first start of with my own two grandmothers. Dad's mom (whom we call patima) stays with us. And if there is one word other than "loving" that describes her, it is "indefatigable". Well, even that would be an understatement. At the over ripe age of 75, she is still soo active that it never ceases to amaze me. And is she beautiful or what!!! The complexion of snow, hair as black as the night, sharp features, a very ethnic beauty and a golden heart to match the exterior. And how can i fail to mention the gastronomic delights that she conjures up every single day. Seriously, she's the best cook in the world. And like all grandmas, she always comes up with a home remedy when i am down with a cold or a sore throat, or complaining of hair fall, or pimples. Also, i must mention that she is quite well read and takes an active interest in politics and Indian cricket, the latter being a source of constant agony.

Here's a pic of her in action, at the tawa, making pesarettu :



And now moving over to Mom's mom. Now i cant really claim to know much of her cos she lives in Bhilai and we get to see her only once in a couple of years. but from whatever little i know of her, she's a real darling. the gentlest, most softspoken and most down to earth person i have ever come across. And she has this really endearing style of speaking in which she stresses on every syllable and says it very slowly. I had inherited that as well, but due to much ridicule from family and friends, i soon lost it.

Here's a pic of her in the courtyard, and thats my naughty little cousin that u see in the pic:



Apart from these, there are many other grandmas i know. There's another one in the park who gets all excited on seeing me, makes me sit next to her, holds my hand, and tells me all about her cruel Daughter-in-laws. And there are the grandmas of some of my friends, who are oh-so -sweet. Well, i could go on and on, but my dinner is getting cold so i better wrap up.

And oh yeah, i forgot to mention, i love the soft wrinkly feel of a grandmas skins... Esp on the ear lobes. Almost as soft as a baby's bottom.

So yeah, I sign of by saying that every house needs a grandma.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Paradise lost and regained

Paradise Lost: Chennai summer sets in. Intense perspiration commences.






Paradise regained: Ah! Mangoes!!!! And yup, those are the exact mangoes that i ate :) Now do i see envy in your eyes and drool dripping from your mouth :D



Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Kili Josyam


So the other day I met up with N at coffee day. Now, like most other coffee shops, this one too provides very few avenues for entertainment. So unless you have a real spunky bunch of gals willing to belly dance atop one of the table, there is little else to do than simply sip your coffee over some hushed conversation. We therefore decided to set off to the beach. Enroute, we stopped by at the Kotturpuram Park. Ah! Beauty!

Anyhow, so we reach Eliots Beach and walk up, to the inviting waters. A little bit of feet wetting later, we were just standing on the soft sands, enjoying the sea breeze blowing our tresses into a mighty mess, when this old man approached us with a parrot in a cage and a stack of cards in his hand. Kili Josyam!!! For the uninitiated, it’s this ancient thingy that we have in India, where the parrot picks out a card from a stack and that card, in some strange cosmic way, can tell us about our past present and future. Believe it or not!!!

Anyhow, our first reaction was a firm No. But not so firm it seems for N soon relented and decided to go for it. And what else could I do but go along. And gladly I did for who can say no to a little birdie who says it will predict your fortunes. So that is how this seemingly innocent but extremely vicious adventure began.

The parrot first picked out a card for N and it a very rosy picture of his future was painted. Travel abroad, loads of dabbu, good wife yada yada. And then it was the turn of yours truly. And guess what the birdie picks up??? A snake and a lizard. Eeks!!! And obviously lizards and snakes don’t make a good future. So the man prattled on about how I had supposedly stepped on a piece of lemon that was used to take drishti of a woman who had aborted a child and therefore I have this dosham thingy. Didn’t get it?? Don’t worry, neither did I!!! And then he went on to tell me all sorts of crap, which I shall spare you from. But yes, there were bits about how I would bring bad luck to my family if that dosham was not removed. And to remove it, I was supposed to pay 650 bucks to him, get a golden foil kinda thingy, drop it in the ocean along with a rupee and feed cow bananas for 3 days. All that and then I would have a blissful life and my family would no longer be accursed. Me and N were obviously in splits all along and I think the man and his birdie were deeply offended to see us laughing over the whole thing. But what the heck!!! Anyhow, he seemed pretty insistent on the 650 bucks ka ritual and kept on pestering us for the money. Said that I was like his little sister and he had only my welfare in mind. The liar!!! Didn’t relent even when we showed him our empty wallets. Finally we told him that we would be back same place same time on Saturday and only then did he take leave of us. So that was our whole mystic experience with the green bird and the wicked man.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Tagged...

Hey all. Firstly i apologise for this hibernation of mine.... I could give you a dozen reasonable excuses and a few unreasonable one's like say, the dog ate up my blog :).... par khair, ab tho mein aa hi gayi tho posts ka silsila zaari rahega...

Hope you guys liked the previous post...Do post your precious comments... Anyhow, i have been tagged by Nivi and here is my reply to the tag.... In return i tag Sriram and Avi...

1.Were you named after anyone? I don’t think so.
2. Do you wish on stars? Yeah….Only on shooting stars…
3. When did you last cry? Think it was a week ago
4. Do you like your handwriting? Depends. Most of the time it is pretty much ok..
5. What is your favourite meat? No, thank you.
6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf? None that I can think of
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? definitely
8.Are you a daredevil? Occasionally
9. How do you release anger? Depends on who I am angry at. If its someone I can yell at, I do… else I sulk…
10. Where is your second home? Athai’s house
11. Do you trust others easily? Nah
12. What was your favourite toy as a child? Hmmm…tough question cos I don’t remember much of my childhood…
13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless? Well, I think they all have their uses…
14. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Used to…
15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Now what’s that???
16. What do you look for in a guy/girl? i try not to look for much… its better to accept them as they are
17. Would you bungee jump? Sure
18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nah, too lazy to bend down and untie the lace.
19. What's your favourite ice cream? Chocolate chip
20. What are your favourite colours? Black white blue and yellow
21. What are your least favourite things? That’s a bloody long list
22. How many people do you have a crush on right now? No comments
23. Who do you miss most right now? No comments again :)
24. What are you listening to right now? Hum hain rahi pyaar ke (the old one)
25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Bright yellow
26. What is the weather like right now? Sultry
27. Last person you talked to on the phone? Chitti
28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex? I know his sounds superficial as hell, but yah, their looks.
29. Do you like the person who sent you this? Love her
30. How are you today? Glad to be back home finally
31. Favourite non alcoholic drink? Water
32. Favourite alcoholic drink? I don’t drink alcohol
33. Natural hair colour? Brown
34. Eye colour? Brownish black
35. Wear contacts? Yup
36. Siblings? A pesky little brother
37. Favourite month? December
38. Favourite food? Interminably looong list…Don’t even get me started
39. Favourite day of the year? None in particular
40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out? Yup…
41. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
42. Summer or winter? Winter
43. Holi or Diwali? Deepavali.
44. Do you like your name? Ya. Its ok…but if I could name me then it wouldn’t have been Shilpa for sure…
45. What book/magazine are you reading? The English Teacher, R.K.Narayanan
46. What's on your mouse pad? Don't have one.
47. What did you watch on TV last night? CNN-IBN Afternoon News
48. Favourite Smell? Fragrance of wet earth
49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone? Not at all
50. Most tiresome thing you’ve ever experienced/done? Studying for some of my exams…

Bilaspur Express


"Ting ting ting. Train No.2852 Bilaspur Express from Chennai to Bilaspur will depart shortly from platform no.1". We hurriedly kissed goodbye and settled down in our berths. I suddenly discovered that there were rats rumbling in my tummy. Though I had just consumed a hearty dinner of 4 dosas, a couple of dhoklas and a large glass of orange Tang, my stomach still growleth and I rushed to gratify it. And chocolate cake it was. Two sumptuous pieces of home-made choco cake and Mr. Pet(read pate) was sufficiently appeased.
Now obviously sleep followed. And a blissful one at that. Fourteen hours straight. I had broken my own records. Then again it was time for some more "pet puja"(Well,yeah, it’s an eternal cycle). So now it was time for some yumm sandwiches and a cup of piping, hot tea. Followed, of course, by some more cake. (If I were chosen to represent one of the seven sins, it would definitely have to be gluttony)
And then I sat next to the window, gazing out lazily onto the lush green fields, when this thought struck me – "Hey! Now this will make a decent blog post". So that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it all began. While scribbling busily on to my notepad I was interrupted by a shout of "masala channa!masala channa!".i jumped with elation ,and demanded pounced on the owner of this mellifluous voice "dus rupaiye ka channa" ah! Heaven!

Anyhow, I can see you all drooling over your keyboards and ,that’s bad hygiene ,so let’s move over to things less unhygienic. Well, there are two things I enjoy most about train journeys. First is the food (Duh!) and second, the sights.

So now moving over from food for the palate to food for the eye. My acutely myopic eyes, aided by Zeiss spectacle lens, witnessed an array of beautiful sights. The soft blue sky melting into the earth at the horizon, the lush green fields with the long grass swaying to the tunes of the hot breeze, the many huts – dotting the rich, brown earth, the serene ponds and lakes with green weed floating on them, the many cows and buffaloes holding conference amongst themselves, the dull red brick-kilns, the various rocks – some shaped like animals, some like you and me, the magnificent mountains rising gently to ultimately reach a crescendo, the beauteous flora of many wild colours - pinks, reds, purples and blues, the long winding queues of vehicles at railway crossings and last but the best, the little kids waving gleefully at the passing trains. And to think that these director duds go all the way to Switzerland when there is soo much beauty in our own backyards.
This apart, there are quite a few "items" you get to meet inside the train as well. For starters, there is the ubiquitous uncle who seems to have something to say on everything from politics, the Godhra carnage, the wather and my hairstyle. He is of course accompanied by the aunty with an akshayapatram of snacks – muruku, thengozhal, mixture, sweets, chips, chocolates, you name it and she has it. Ten there is the quintessential morose couple whose mouths are sealed with invisible cellotape and the only noise they emit are inaudible grunts.

And then there are the kids – some, little angels and some, little devils.

Anyhow, it’s time for me to wrap up for I can hear distant shouts of " Ice cream, Ice cream, Vanilla, Strawberry Ice cream!!!" so goodbye my dear reader(s) and hog aplenty.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Happy in the tummy

Isn't it surprising how a single phone call can make your day. Doesn't it feel great when an old friend calls you up after ages. The conversation might last all of two minutes but still, it leaves you happy in the tummy, to know that someone has remembered you and made the effort to call you up. In this day of hustle-bustle, with people who have time to check their e-mail 134 times a day but are incredibly busy when it comes to keeping in contact with friends, it does indeed seem like a miracle when someone reaches out to you.

Why am i saying all this? Well, you all must have read about the park next to home which i frequent on almost a daily basis. Last summer i befriended a thata(Grandpa). we would walk every evening for close to an hour, talking about all things under the moon - right from Karunanidhi's rowdyism, to Federer's brilliant performance, to names for his expectant grandson. I never had a real connection with either of my grandpa's - one of them passed away when i was young and another lived in a different town. So he filled in that void in my life. For a few months. And it felt nice.

Then I stopped going to the park for a while and he moved to a different locality and we lost contact. But then, he called this evening, a few minutes ago, and it was like old times again. We spoke for a short while, enquired about each other's health and families and promised to keep in touch. i don't know how long it will be before i talk to him again. But this short conversation has surely touched a chord in my heart. And i am happy in the tummy.

Bam!!!!

So now we have newspapers reporting the fall and rise of the President. Literally. Hmmm. Soon we will have headlines like "Manmohan Singh scratches his belly during Assembly", or "Laloo Farts while presenting Rail Budget" :)

Times sure have changed......

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Crappy Conversation 2

(Me and chitti (aunt) having a conversation about her school)

Me: So, chitti... What's new in school?
Chitti: Hmmm... I saw that friend of yours today.. The one with the goat's beard..


Need I say more!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Scream!!!!!!!!

Her eyes were a deathly still
Her voice, unheard of
Unless it were the screams
When she saw little children
Little innocent babies they were
But she shrieked aloud - a banshee
Until you were deaf from the noise
They thought her to be insane
A poor loony whom war had made thus



But only she knew the real truth
Oh how she missed her dear baby
And how much she loved her little child
And how vividly she remembered that Night
The loud footsteps, the terrifying gunshots,
The banging on the door, the hiding-pronto,
The murmured whispers, the stifled cry
Of her baby, a little too stifling
And now she always screamed when she saw babies


------- Shilpa Krishnan

Friday, January 12, 2007

Who?


What do you do

When your heel is broken

Or your strap is off

And your sole is gone

A busy day ahead

An important meeting to attend

A mountain load of work

What do you do?


Whom do you beg

At these times of despair

For a few seconds of theirs

Beg for an act of finesse

Such finesse, they say

Or an expert opinion

At this eleventh hour

Whom do you beg?


Who has with him

Tools of every kind

Unimaginable, inexplicable

Incomprehensible and sacred

And it’s owner, worshippable

You might even want to

In his honor, build a temple

Who may He be?


Who may he be

But a lowly cobbler

Whom when you cross on the road

You carefully step aside

Barely acknowledge him

Though helped you he has

In many an hour of need

FOR WHO SAYS HELLO TO A COBBLER?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Ring in the new

Contrary to popular belief that I have attained sainthood and am in my heavenly abode, I would like to clarify that I am very much alive and kicking. So you might ask me why this loooooong absence from the blog world. Well, I f I haven’t mentioned earlier, one of my ancestors was a bear and so it was hibernation period for me.

Anyhow, not to worry, for I am back and here to stay. As happens with most people who return after a long sojourn, I underwent great dilemmas on deciding a topic to blog upon. Until a friend asked me to blog on the most obvious – New Year Resolutions.

Now New Year Resolutions (NYR’s) are the most commonly made but least kept promises. I don’t know a single person whose resolution has lasted the entire year. So I came up with this ingenious plan. That being to phase out my plan over the year and refresh it on every festival. It’s definitely easier to keep your resolution for 10-20 days by which time a festival will definitely spring up. Hopefully the plan works. So far, it has 

So here goes my list of NYR’s :

*Shed a few pounds. ( Am religiously doing Yoga everyday)
*Brush twice a day (Weird ain’t I)
*Study atleast for an hour a day (Except on Sundays and holidays(This resolution
wouldn’t be here if not for amma dearest))
*Sleep for not more than nine hours a day (I thought of makin it 8, but naah…that
would be too taxing on me)
*Talk less, smile more and laugh a lot (I can manage the last two but the first could
be a problem)
*Not spend more than 3 hours online (Now this is proving to be a real toughie)
*Read a lot of good books and watch a lot of good movies (My favourite NYR)
*And a few secret resolutions (Shhhhhh…….)

Well, that’s it from my end…I had a few whacky resolutions of some of my friends but they forbade me from putting it online. Damn them...

Anyway, here’s wishing you all a verry verry happy new year.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Hi Handsome!!!!!


Mard bankar ladkiyon wali fairness cream??

Fair and handsome try kiya??

Hi handsome...Hi handsome!!!!


If any of you out there have missed this gem of an advertisement, I suggest that you sit in front of the TV and tune into any of Star plus, Zee or Sony and watch it continuously for Atleast 2 and three quarters of an hour. You’ll surely be grateful to me.

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to see this ad, haven’t you all wondered on who might be stupid enough to actually but a tube of this ridiculous product. Ah well, so did i.

So you can easily imagine my surprise, or shall we call it shock, when I find one lovely little tube resting on my dressing table. I was aghast!! I pinched myself and hit my head against the wall to make sure I t was not a dream. The big red bump on my forehead says it isn’t!.

And guess who spent hard earned money on this ludicrous piece of horse crap!! My very own blood brother. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

He has become quite fashion savvy after moving into Chennai, but I never expected him to droop to this extent!!! I tried explaining to him the meaning of the phrase “tall,dark and handsome”, but bozo that he is, he just wouldn’t listen.


Ah well, what more can a sister do? I decided to just shut up, blog about it, and make the the laughing stock of the whole world  :)

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Answer to the Ultimate Questions of Life, the Universe and Everything


At last I managed to finish “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”. And did I love it or what.

Started off reading it as an e-book, but had to discontinue as my right shoulder didn’t quite enjoy the whole experience. Anyways, got the hard copy from a friend and managed to finish the 776 pages in just over 9 days.

And did I say that I loved it. One of the most hilarious books I have read, for sure. And a must-read for any book lover.

Below is an excerpt from the book:


”"Hello," said the elevator sweetly, "I am to be your elevator for this trip to the floor of your choice. I have been designed by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation to take you, the visitor to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, into these their offices. If you enjoy your ride, which will be swift and pleasurable, then you may care to experience some of the other elevators which have recently been installed in the offices of the Galactic tax department, Boobiloo Baby Foods and the Sirian State Mental Hospital, where many ex-Sirius Cybernetics Corporation executives will be delighted to welcome your visits, sympathy, and happy tales of the outside world."

"Yeah," said Zaphod, stepping into it, "what else do you do besides talk?"

"I go up," said the elevator, "or down."

"Good," said Zaphod, "We're going up."

"Or down," the elevator reminded him.

"Yeah, OK, up please."

There was a moment of silence.

"Down's very nice," suggested the elevator hopefully.

"Oh yeah?"

"Super."

"Good," said Zaphod, "Now will you take us up?"

"May I ask you," inquired the elevator in its sweetest, most reasonable voice, "if you've considered all the possibilities that down might offer you?"

Zaphod knocked one of his heads against the inside wall. He didn't need this, he thought to himself, this of all things he had no need of. He hadn't asked to be here. If he was asked at this moment where he would like to be he would probably have said he would like to be lying on the beach with at least fifty beautiful women and a small team of experts working out new ways they could be nice to him, which was his usual reply. To this he would probably have added something passionate on the subject of food.

One thing he didn't want to be doing was chasing after the man who ruled the Universe, who was only doing a job which he might as well keep at, because if it wasn't him it would only be someone else. Most of all he didn't want to be standing in an office block arguing with an elevator.

"Like what other possibilities?" he asked wearily.

"Well," the voice trickled on like honey on biscuits, "there's the basement, the microfiles, the heating system... er..."

It paused.

"Nothing particularly exciting," it admitted, "but they are alternatives."

"Holy Zarquon," muttered Zaphod, "did I ask for an existentialist elevator?" he beat his fists against the wall.

"What's the matter with the thing?" he spat.

"It doesn't want to go up," said Marvin simply, "I think it's afraid."

"Afraid?" cried Zaphod, "Of what? Heights? An elevator that's afraid of heights?"

"No," said the elevator miserably, "of the future..."

"The future?" exclaimed Zaphod, "What does the wretched thing want, a pension scheme?"

At that moment a commotion broke out in the reception hall behind them. From the walls around them came the sound of suddenly active machinery.

"We can all see into the future," whispered the elevator in what sounded like terror, "it's part of our programming."

Zaphod looked out of the elevator-an agitated crowd had gathered round the elevator area, pointing and shouting.

Every elevator in the building was coming down, very fast.

He ducked back in.

"Marvin," he said, "just get this elevator go up will you? We've got to get to Zarniwoop."

"Why?" asked Marvin dolefully.

"I don't know," said Zaphod, "but when I find him, he'd better have a very good reason for me wanting to see him."

Modern elevators are strange and complex entities. The ancient electric winch and "maximum-capacity-eight-persons" jobs bear as much relation to a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Happy Vertical People Transporter as a packet of mixed nuts does to the entire west wing of the Sirian State Mental Hospital.

This is because they operate on the curios principle of "defocused temporal perception". In other words they have the capacity to see dimly into the immediate future, which enables the elevator to be on the right floor to pick you up even before you knew you wanted it, thus eliminating all the tedious chatting, relaxing, and making friends that people were previously forced to do whist waiting for elevators.

Not unnaturally, many elevators imbued with intelligence and precognition became terribly frustrated with the mindless business of going up and down, up and down, experimented briefly with the notion of going sideways, as a sort of existential protest, demanded participation in the decision-making process and finally took to squatting in basements sulking.

An impoverished hitch-hiker visiting any planets in the Sirius star system these days can pick up easy money working as a counsellor for neurotic elevators.

At the fifteenth floor the elevator doors opened quickly.

"Fifteenth," said the elevator, "and remember, I'm only doing this because I like your robot."





So rush to the nearest book store and get your own copy of the book. And if you are running low on Vitamin M, leave a comment with your e-mail id, and i shall post the e-book(Just hope your shoulders aren't as dysfunctional as mine)

P.S. And if you are wondering what "42" is all about, well, thats the answer to the ultimate questions of the life, the universe and everything. Honest! Swear on you. Even google agrees. Try if you still don't believe...

Friday, June 09, 2006

Crappy Conversations

Uncle giving career advice to a bunch of us:

Uncle: You should all do something innovative!! Research is the in-thing now. Have you ever wondered why there is only Microsoft??? Think big!! Think Macrosoft..

Me: Wow, that’s great!! How about Macrohard though. Sounds more macho na




Brat in the building, standing near his car, looking at the side-view mirror, digging his nose. Spots me looking at him

He: what?

Me: what?


(That’s it!! End of conversation. I went my way and he went about digging further for the elusive gold in his left nostril)




Me and aunt talking about how she is close only to a few of the teachers in her school.

Aunt: I am in touch only with a few of them.

Me: (Touch her and say) Oh, in touch, with only a few of them huh.

Aunt: Podi, not touching touch, I meant lips touch.

Me: Eh??? Ohmigosh!!! What’s happening to teachers these days? Control pliss.

Aunt: Chi, podi. You always confuse me like this. I meant talking

Me: Thank heavens! For a second I thought the brokeback effect had permeated to the portals of your school as well.




My brothers S and P, vetti lot that they are, have one favorite pastime, name-calling. Looks like they had tired of calling each other idiot, porcupine, nincompoop, Neanderthal et al.. So they moved over from the animal kingdom to Geography instead.

S: Mulund
P: Andheri
S: Andheri west
P: Andheri east
S: Dadar
P: Kachiguda
S: Abids
P: Koti
S: Yerragadda
P: Pudupetai
S: Kodambakkam
P: Chetpet
S: Kilpak
Me: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!


Ahem, yes. They were calling each other names of localities. (And for all those whose sense of localities sucks, they covered a few each in Mumbai, Hyderabad and Chennai)




Me taking tuitions for a kid in the building. 5th std. I was explaining to her about how high eagles fly.

Kid: Didi, how far up will the eagles fly?

Me: Very very high!!

Kid: Above aeroplanes also?

Me: Hmm.Ya I think.

Kid: Near clouds??

Me: Yaa

Kid: Near Heaven??

Me: (clear throat) Well, now I am the wrong person to ask such a question you see. But since I am being paid to answer your question, here goes. Now tell me kiddo, have you heard of agnostics? I presume not. Well, we are basically neither theists nor atheists. We just don’t know for sure whether god exists, as it has not yet been proven beyond reasonable doubt. Ergo, the presence of his holy abode is also very much a doubt. It might be up there, or it might be in the small hole in the tree in your backyard. Who knows! So an eagle might or might not fly near heaven, depending on whether it is located in the small hole in the tree in your back yard! Our god is just the invisible pink unicorn. And our god doesn’t live in heaven. It lives in the little hole in the peepul tree in my backyard.

Kid: Eh???

Me: Maybe you should read the article on Agnosticism in my blog. Things will be a lot more lucid.

Kid: (Demurely) Ok didi





Just as I am trying to doze off one night, ma comes up to me and asks me what I want my IDEAL GUY to be like. I protest and tell her I am too sleepy. She forces me for an answer. I consent and give her a loooong list of should have’s and shouldn’t have’s. And finally for her sake, add that he should preferably be a Pallakad Iyer.

Ma: Chee, why you want all that?

I: (Shocked at the absolute distaste with which she addressed my last requirement) But I added that for your sake ma!

Ma: Ohh. But even then, why all this. And one more thing, maybe you could put up the list on your blog and invite proposals. Atleast one good use that blog will come to.

I: (speechless)

Ma: Nice idea Na. Makes my job a lot easy.

I: For god’s sake, I am 19. It’s criminal!!!

Ma: You are 19 and three quarters. And the legal marriageable age for girls is 18. So don’t say it’s criminal and all

I: Bachaoooooo!!!!!


Friday, June 02, 2006

The last time ever i saw my hips

At the outset, let me clarify all doubts that might have risen in your minds on reading the title. Well, I can still see my hips.

Well, this is my first post for which i am writing a post based on the title instead of the others in which the title is based on the post. So here goes...

Had gone out with cousins and uncle yesterday for dinner. A place called Eden. Nice decor!!!

Anyhow, we ordered the usual starters and main course. Dinner as such was pretty uneventful. Except in the end when uncle saw that we had finished almost everything except the butter paneer dish. He asked us to finish it off, but we desisted because there was no roti to have it with. But so great was his dislike for wasting food that he served the remaining paneer to all of us. Even though he was the only one who actually ate it!!! The waiter did have a tough time maintaining a straight face when he came to clear the table, and saw 3 pieces of paneer on each of our plates :-)

Anyhow, it was time to order dessert. I quickly glanced thru the menu, past the usual milkshakes and fruit salads and double sundaes AND THEN my eyes landed on IT!!! Now, i thought, thats quite an unusual name for a dessert. Yesssir, it was called "The Last Time Ever I Saw My Hips". And did it sound delicious or what!! 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream, 1 scoop of vanilla ice cream, one chocolate brownie, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, nuts, pistachios and a cherry to top it all. Aah!!!

And so i took one last loving glance at my hips, bid them a fond farewell, and dug into this delicacy, finished it in a record time of two minutes and forty seven seconds, took another glance at where my hips were last seen. And thank heavens!!!They still were there ;-)

Hence the title and hence the post...And though i didn't take a camera to the restaurant, here is a pic i got from google, that slightly resembles what i have been drooling over in this post. I reiterate, SLIGHTLY!! The actual one is about seventy six timmes yummier looking..



P.S. Talking about wierd names for dishes, pliss do check out the menu at Eatalica. the only place where you get to eat Monica Chewinnsky, Leonardo Di Chaprio, Halle Cherry, Keanu Cheese et al..

Monday, May 29, 2006

Teri Ishq mein meri jaan, Fanaa ho jaye


Warning: Blogger in highly infatuated state of mind while typing this out. Pliss to expect a lot of Ooohs, Aaahs and drool…


Aaaaaaaah!!!!!! I am in love….And yes, you guessed right... Aamir is the man of my dreams at the moment…And shall retain the position until I recover from my post- Fanaa hangover. Till then, let’s continue drooling on him.

Once in every ten years, there comes out a Bollywood movie that you fall in love with and that makes you want to fall in love. Last we had was DDLJ. And now we have Fanaa. To say that I was all moony- eyed after watching the movie, would be quite an understatement. I was sighing throughout the movie and for an hour after it as well... And even now, though, thank heavens; it is a lot more sporadic.

A quick recap: Blind Kashmiri girl goes to Delhi for Republic Day Celebrations. Meets SEXY tour guide. Lots of sher-o-shayiri thrown in. They fall in love. Do it!!! Girl recovers sight. But boy disappears and is suspected to be killed in the terrorist attack that he, in fact, had master-minded. Flash forward seven years. Sexy tourist guy is now army officer in disguise. On MI-4. Is identified, pursued and ends up at not-blind-anymore girl’s doorstep. Discovers that he has an ooh-cho-chweet seven year old son. Girl recognizes boy eventually and they duly legalize their relationship by performing the nikaah. Girl’s dad discovers he is terrorist and threatens him but dies accidentally. Girl also discovers and the rest, I shall not spoil for you. Find out for yourself.


Now, if you were to be cruel enough to dissect each and every part of the movie, then it might not exactly live up to the hype I have created. But as a whole, a very pleasant watch. Especially after the last movie I saw in the theatre (36, china town- 24*7 I hate the movie!!!), Fanaa was manna from heaven. (Hey that kinda rhymes).

The songs were pretty good too. And the kid was such a cutie-pie. What wouldn’t I do to have a husband like Aamir and a son like that kid...Awww…And ya, all the supporting artistes were pretty convincing as well. All in all, worth watching. So unless you are unfortunate enough to be a resident of Gujarat, go ahead and have fun with “Funaa”!!!


P.S. I have decided to go sight-seeing in Delhi, with the bleak hope that I get to meet a cute tour guide!!!

P.P.S. Just realized that I appear to be a love-struck teen in the above post. Ahem..Not to worry. Have returned to my original sane state of mind after typing this out. Guess I needed to flush all the gush out of my system

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

(T)HE-MAN CHIDAMBARAM (Guest Blog)

Hey people,for all those who have turned up to see yet another 'crisp as a cracker' article or a 'sweet as candy' poem from madam shils' desk,this is sure to be a disappointment for it doesnt come from the creator of this blog herself.She successfully lured me,Abishek , a Loyolite, into guest blogging for her after casually reading this article of mine.Don't know if i would do justice to her calibre and class though this one of my favourites.This is how it goes:

(T)HE – MAN CHIDAMBARAM ("give me the power")



P.CHIDAMBARAM, the union finance minister has always caught my attention for reasons more subtle than obvious, especially his personality traits. People, more often than not relate him to presenting budgets, analyzing economic growth, considering the plight of agriculturists, monitoring industrial development and most importantly regulating the nationalized banks and their functioning, I really don’t blame these people for “CHIDS”, like how I would want to call him, being at the helm of the financial affairs of the country is known for his financial brain.

Usually known for his budgets that are characteristically safe and generally effective improvisations over the previous ones with a few additional provisions tailored to meet the needs of the country and aimed at targeting the growing industry in the economy. The cash withdrawal tax that was included in the budget for 2004-05,received critical acclaim when it was initially imposed but has been able to detect a few cases of black money being withdrawn at will, as witnessed by the bank in Chandni Chowk.

But for a man from Harvard to be well versed in numbers or for that matter efficient in managing resources or formulating budgets or even the language that he possesses isn’t really extravagant for those who hail from the Harvard generally tend to be a part of an elite group of people who stand out and get themselves counted with ease. The managerial or financial qualities or attributes probably stem from the intellectual atmosphere out of the top draw at the Harvard. One of the most sought after Universities in the world should be proud to have produced a man as masterful as Mr.Chidambaram

However it really isn’t these aspects of the man that stir me from within. What strikes me hard, what makes me look up to him is his aura, charisma, poise, patience, simplicity, cool as a cucumber attitude, his aggressive intent which so beautifully manifests itself in a courteous, polite and ever so convincing approach and tactful way of putting things across.

First and foremost, a man who’s spent a good part of his life as a student abroad and that too in Harvard, my dream destination, more often than not is clad in his traditional, ever so characteristic white dhoti and white shirt. Not only does it reflect on his respect for the tradition but also his simplicity. For instance, the parliamentary sessions when he presents the annual budgets reinforce the tranquility of the man and his uncanny knack of keeping this under control. The precision with which he presents the budget is admirable. The steady pace which he follows when he reads his provisions and estimates in the budget, his clarity of pronunciation, the simple unassuming look on his face with a smile ready to break out at the corner of his lips are characteristic or typical to Mr.Chidambaram at the Parliament. His focus and concentration are simply unparalleled. But really a stand out is the way he reacts to opposition or unwarranted claims against any provision in the budget. All he does is to put his hand up in the air and tell them to give him a chance to complete and that he would then give their grievances and claims a fair hearing, with the minimum of fuss or unrest.

When you find Ministers at the State Assembly or even at the Parliament getting agitated or reacting wildly to comments or opposition shaping out strongly against them, CHIDS's approach towards the trouble creators is without much doubt conspicuous. A good example of one who adds to the confusion is Mr.Laloo Prasad Yadav, the Railway Minister is generally ferocious and unwilling to compromise and even does not refrain from telling the speaker “Jaane dijiye unko” ,that is, just allow those who are not satisfied with my budget to leave the place. Such an act from Mr.Chidambaram would be far from a miracle. CHIDS proves to be an absolute gentleman not only in his behavior but also in his outlook as well.

Recently, during his campaign for DMK, the Congress alliance, the Finance Minister was in full flow in Tamil. Need I say that it was a delight to see the man in uninterrupted flow of Tamil to reach out to the masses. It was quite astonishing for me to see him converse with such ease in Tamil and also feel so much at home with it because he definitely would not have much time to talk in his mother tongue, being at the helm of affairs in New Delhi, where his Hindi speaking ability would hold him in good stead rather than his very own Tamil. Many people would say it isn’t a Herculean task to talk in your mother tongue even without much practice. I do agree with it but then to use it to good effect, select the right words, make it sound convincing, simplify the language to the level that can be easily understood by the illiterate and impoverished masses yet keeping intact the purity of the language without compromising on the use of ever so pure words, one definitely needs skill. Thus, the man well versed in English is a revelation in Tamil as well


Even while he was campaigning he seldom raised his voice beyond his characteristically prescribed decibel levels. His poise and composure was very much evident through the course of his speech. He looked like a man with a mission. We often witness political party leaders pumped up, literally shouting on the mike, as aggressive as possible with their speech and their animated gestures and actions almost give the impression that they would assault the opposition so badly that they would never oppose them again. Belligerence is the order of the day for these politicians.

In total contrast to this, Mr.Chidambaram was as polite as possible with emotional outbursts almost missing. All he did was to just state the facts against the then Chief Minister and her carefree approach towards the senior politicians, the government servants and even the Union government. He threw light on how ruthless she was with her attitude leading to haphazard action. CHIDS was simply professional and did not let down his gentleman image even while campaigning.

I do know that the man is subject to criticism and has his own share of it. His wife and son always seem to be in the limelight for all the wrong reasons. Some people do say Mr.Chidambaram himself is just a high-class suave gentleman with all the unscrupulous ingredients, which make a politician. But I personally find it difficult to digest this for he has never given me such an impression.
TAKE A BOW CHIDS

-abhi

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

How shilpa Krishnan Bought it, Read it and Blogged about it


Finally, I got to read the much hyped book by Kaavya Viswanathan. Appa managed to buy a pirated edition from one of the pavement sellers at Moore Market. So that way, if people accused me of supporting plagiarism, I could always say that I was just providing a poor pavement seller his next meal. Now of course, we could get into a full-on argument about piracy et al. But what the heck! When the authors are making billions over their book deals, I don’t find it very wrong that a poor but enterprising Indian tries to take advantage of the situation. And moreover, I don’t like having to fork out four hundred bucks for a book when I can get it for fifty. Well, the title on the cover was misspelled (How Opal Meht Got Kiss Got Wild and Got a Life). But the insides were indeed well pirated (if that is the right word!).

Firstly, lets talk about the plot (At the risk of reiterating what most of you already know). Opal Mehta is an Indian living in New Jersey. From the moment she breathed her first in this world, her parents carefully drafted out a super plan called HOWGIH (How Opal Will Get Into Harvard). So here’s this poor little girl trying to fit cello classes, Spanish, Chinese, French and some other foreign language classes, volunteering at the local old-age home, keeping up with all the school work, editing the school paper, managing her duties as the vice president of the student council, and a whole lot of other things in just 24 hours. So in other words, she doesn’t have a life. Just an existence.

And so when her interviewer in Harvard asks her what she likes to do for fun, she (who hath memorized all the word lists in Barrons) is left speechless. And how do her parents solve this problem of hers. Well, ofcourse with another super foolproof plan – HOWGAL (How Opal Will Get A Life). The three main goals of this plan being to get into the coolest gang in school, to get kissed and to get wild. How this plan is put into action, and the hilarious consequences form the rest of the story.

It’s nothing too deep or profound a book. Just a breezy read which can be finished in a sitting or two. So now let us address the main issue in hand. The whole plagiarism fiasco. Though I couldn’t lay my hands on the other two books she is supposed to have “internalized” from, I did read the passages in a leading weekly magazines. Well, there definitely are quite a few similarities between the passages in question. But what I don’t understand is why such a huge fuss is being made about the whole thing. It’s not like she copied an entire plot or sub plot! Just a few inane sentences here and there. And I do believe her when she says it’s unintentional. Sometimes what you read remains in your sub-conscious and when you happen to write it down, you are very likely to believe that it is original.

And why is only Kaavya being targeted. Mustn’t we even target all this pseudo-music directors we have out here. Shouldn’t we be asking Anu Mallik to pull out all his cassettes and cd’s from the shops considering that none of his successful compositions are originals. And A.R.Rehamn. Now, I am a huge fan of his work, but he is as guilty of plagiarism as is Kaavya Viswanthan. Agreed, these directors must have changed the music a bit by adding an extra guitarist or removing a banjo player. But neither did Miss. Viswanathan copy verbatim from the books in question.

So why is only this poor teenage girl being targeted? Why is the media so intent on subjecting her to such mental torture? Why are they not satisfied when she has apologized publicly and agreed to edit the contentious parts? Why does this whole inconsequential controversy have to occupy centre page in all leading dailies? Why can’t Opal Mehta just kiss a boy without having to worry whether the way she kisses him might be similar to the way someone else kissed in some other novel? Why, oh why???????

Friday, April 07, 2006

Taaja Khabar

Each of us, at one time or another, have heard of the saying "An eye for an eye".But here is a practical demo. Well, not exactly, but almost!

Guess we ought to leave the "A tooth for a tooth" bit to the dentists.

Meanwhile, there are many ways to vent your frustration when you have not been granted the leave you requested for. But should you go this far?

What if the students of today drew inspiration from our "daring" jawans? Guess we would have a lot less teachers and almost no principals at all!!