Crappy Conversations

Uncle giving career advice to a bunch of us:

Uncle: You should all do something innovative!! Research is the in-thing now. Have you ever wondered why there is only Microsoft??? Think big!! Think Macrosoft..

Me: Wow, that’s great!! How about Macrohard though. Sounds more macho na




Brat in the building, standing near his car, looking at the side-view mirror, digging his nose. Spots me looking at him

He: what?

Me: what?

(That’s it!! End of conversation. I went my way and he went about digging further for the elusive gold in his left nostril)




Me and aunt talking about how she is close only to a few of the teachers in her school.

Aunt: I am in touch only with a few of them.

Me: (Touch her and say) Oh, in touch, with only a few of them huh.

Aunt: Podi, not touching touch, I meant lips touch.

Me: Eh??? Ohmigosh!!! What’s happening to teachers these days? Control pliss.

Aunt: Chi, podi. You always confuse me like this. I meant talking

Me: Thank heavens! For a second I thought the brokeback effect had permeated to the portals of your school as well.




My brothers S and P, vetti lot that they are, have one favorite pastime, name-calling. Looks like they had tired of calling each other idiot, porcupine, nincompoop, Neanderthal et al.. So they moved over from the animal kingdom to Geography instead.

S: Mulund
P: Andheri
S: Andheri west
P: Andheri east
S: Dadar
P: Kachiguda
S: Abids
P: Koti
S: Yerragadda
P: Pudupetai
S: Kodambakkam
P: Chetpet
S: Kilpak
Me: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem, yes. They were calling each other names of localities. (And for all those whose sense of localities sucks, they covered a few each in Mumbai, Hyderabad and Chennai)




Me taking tuitions for a kid in the building. 5th std. I was explaining to her about how high eagles fly.

Kid: Didi, how far up will the eagles fly?

Me: Very very high!!

Kid: Above aeroplanes also?

Me: Hmm.Ya I think.

Kid: Near clouds??

Me: Yaa

Kid: Near Heaven??

Me: (clear throat) Well, now I am the wrong person to ask such a question you see. But since I am being paid to answer your question, here goes. Now tell me kiddo, have you heard of agnostics? I presume not. Well, we are basically neither theists nor atheists. We just don’t know for sure whether god exists, as it has not yet been proven beyond reasonable doubt. Ergo, the presence of his holy abode is also very much a doubt. It might be up there, or it might be in the small hole in the tree in your backyard. Who knows! So an eagle might or might not fly near heaven, depending on whether it is located in the small hole in the tree in your back yard! Our god is just the invisible pink unicorn. And our god doesn’t live in heaven. It lives in the little hole in the peepul tree in my backyard.

Kid: Eh???

Me: Maybe you should read the article on Agnosticism in my blog. Things will be a lot more lucid.

Kid: (Demurely) Ok didi





Just as I am trying to doze off one night, ma comes up to me and asks me what I want my IDEAL GUY to be like. I protest and tell her I am too sleepy. She forces me for an answer. I consent and give her a loooong list of should have’s and shouldn’t have’s. And finally for her sake, add that he should preferably be a Pallakad Iyer.

Ma: Chee, why you want all that?

I: (Shocked at the absolute distaste with which she addressed my last requirement) But I added that for your sake ma!

Ma: Ohh. But even then, why all this. And one more thing, maybe you could put up the list on your blog and invite proposals. Atleast one good use that blog will come to.

I: (speechless)

Ma: Nice idea Na. Makes my job a lot easy.

I: For god’s sake, I am 19. It’s criminal!!!

Ma: You are 19 and three quarters. And the legal marriageable age for girls is 18. So don’t say it’s criminal and all

I: Bachaoooooo!!!!!