Smile! You're on Candid Camera

Imagine this. It’s a lazy Sunday morning. You are sitting in front of your LG Flatron with a hot, steaming cup of coffee in your hand. The images on the television are grainy. You can just about make out that it is a five-star hotel of sorts. You wonder why it looks vaguely familiar. But your mind is too groggy to recognize it. The camera zooms into a well-manicured hand. The nails are painted with what appears to be your favourite shade of Elle 18 nail paint – turquoise blue. The hand is twitching.

Next scene. You see a face – not the whole of it but just the lower half. The hand reaches up and the turquoise blue painted fingernail discreetly enters the right nostril. It searches for the elusive treasure of gold hidden near the olfactory gland. Bingo! The hand has struck a gold mine. Just as discreetly as before, the gold is extracted and safely deposited on the underside of the dining table.

Next scene. The guests at the table have finally devoured their meals. It’s time to shake hands and bid sweet adieu. The camera traces the handshakes of the well-manicured hand. Finally, the camera pans out and the face comes into focus. At this very moment, you suffer your first ever cardiac arrest. The face staring at you is the very same face that you so lovingly admire every morning in your bathroom mirror. You are the gold-digger.

You get a flash back of the days when you sorely hoped for your fifteen minutes of fame. Little did you imagine it would turn out to be fifteen minutes of shame.

Welcome to EN TV – We provide you Entertaining News. Every news bulletin is in fact a compilation of riveting candid camera sequences. It could be your neigbour today, and you could be the star tomorrow.

Last evening, were you the one offering your homage to Mother Nature (read peeing into the lake)? Ahem, it must have been too dark for you to notice the camera hidden in the bushes. But worry not for tomorrow, the whole nation will gleefully witness the momentous occasion.

Did I hear you murmur about invasion of privacy? Didn’t you know that privacy is now a redundant term? Today, everyone is a public figure and your singing in the precincts of your bathroom could make for breaking news. So what if you happen to be more nasal than Himesh Reshamiyya.

So all ye propounders of privacy protection, brace yourselves. For you are now entering an era where the coriander stuck between your teeth is the headlines for the day.